I’m Going to Slice Through the Water and Sink to the Bottom

I often feel like there is a weight on my chest. It’s suffocating, I can’t breathe well. I’m trying so hard to unravel the secret of moving forward. I’ve tried suppressing, forgetting, and turning over the course of events over and over in my mind. I can’t seem to get rid of things that have happened to me. They sit like rocks in my skull, impossible to go around, impossible to go through. And they weigh on me. How am I supposed to move on. My heart aches to even think about thinking certain memories. My heart wretches. I want to forget. I want to move on. I don’t understand how to deal with these things. I don’t know what that means. I feel like I’ve learned to grow and change with some of them, but I can’t stop turning them over in my head until my stomach is churning.

I can feel that weight, as I try to float in water. I don’t try to tread, I just try to float. But like cinderblocks on my feet, I can feel them pulling me under. I don’t know if I struggle. Actually I do know that I don’t. I picture my feet hanging over the railroad tracks on the bridge. I picture myself slip from the ledge and plummet into the dark water below. I picture my feet weighing my down, the light that seeps through the surface shrinking smaller and smaller until I can’t see anything at all but the dark water surrounding me. I’m not scared of this thought. I feel content with it. I permanent escape from mistakes, guilt, life.

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