Here’s a quick story about how I lost my virginity. I was eighteen. All that follows excluding the names is, cross my heart, true. It was spring break and I know that distinctly because we had a recurring joke about sun roofs and standing through them, on a back road or a half empty free way and screaming spring break! in a nasally voice while the wind tied knots in our hair and our sunglasses were nearly thrown from our heads. This joke was usually done not on spring break- the premise of the joke- but we found was just as fun when ironically done during the actual spring break. We weren’t headed from Florida to parade around in bikinis but rather the opposite direction, to parade ourselves into bars and clubs where the drinking age was only 18, an age all of us had reached, some more recently than others. We were only a few hours from the border, only a few more to Quebec. Silas insisted that it was better than Montreal because it was a historic city. He may have been the only one going for the history, considering we had no tour guide or actual knowledge of the city, so our sight seeing consisted of looking at old as hell buildings, saying thats neat and then moving on because we had no idea what was significant and why. “There’s probably a story about that.” We’d say, then move on.
We stayed in an Airbnb, so we had our own apartment and go to play house for a few days. We even had our own balcony and we were a few floors up from a gluten free bakery. The best parts of the trip have to have been sitting on the balcony, one of the few times it was warm out, sipping Pina coladas and popping grapes into our mouths. Feeling the sun creep into every pore of my face, the wind ever so gently tousling my hair. The first night we were there was a Sunday. Not surprisingly, most clubs were closed and we all found ourselves exhausted from the long drive early so we found the nearest liquor store then settled in for the night, blowing up balloons for our “party” and dealing cards on the kitchen floor, throwing back drink after drink. Painfully sucking down the beer labeled spicy that Silas had picked out.
I sat on the floor next to Silas and Tab, across from Aubrey. Aubrey was my best friend, I was hers and the two boys were each others best friends. I’d always gotten along with Tab, we clicked in a way you rarely do with people but for some reason, maybe Silas, maybe not. We never really talked outside of group hangouts or school events. It was still like this. It still is. Aubrey and I had been good friends for years and had known each other much longer. We’d been good friends for about four years, best friends for the past two. Silas and I had a much more rocky relationship. We met our freshmen year of high school. We were on again and off again for about a year. Only officially dating for a few weeks before I broke it off. I was an anxious kid, I still am. After about three years of tense friendship(ish?) we began talking at a party. I was much too intoxicated. It may have been the first time he had touched alcohol. I was on the floor for much of the night. He swayed slightly and claimed he was smashed. As drunk as I was I poured out my heart to this boy and then we found ourselves- full clothed, inhaling each other, sucking on lips, necks and me slapping off a hand that creeped too close to my underwear line. I had a boyfriend at the time. I told the boyfriend of the time, Jason about what happened at the party the night before the next day. He forgave me but the relationship still crumbled within a few weeks after and I broke it off. A month after that, Silas and I had begun seeing each other. After a summer of dramatic phone calls, long distance without phones, a list about everything he loved and hated about me, written by him, I determining it an ultimately toxic relationship, I ended it.
After about eight months we began talking again. This time was different though, any lingering feelings had long ago faded until I couldn’t even recall them. Until I didn’t even find him attractive. Until I could laugh at myself for being blind to what I plainly see now. We were trying to be friends. He’d been friends with Aubrey for a long time at this point too and I was invited last minute.
Now we all sat playing cards when the first virgin joke hit him. We all laughed, him a bit more nervously than the rest of us.
“We should change that.” I slurred. Feeling the weight of my own virginity on my shoulders.
“We should all just fuck.” I laughed. We all did, drunk. Suddenly I found myself very serious.
“Do you want to?” I asked him, scorching over. In front of Aubrey, in front of Tab. “I’m actually down if you guys are. Aubrey, I know you are. Tab?” They both shrugged coyly, not virgins themselves.
I crawled drunkenly over into his lap.
“Do you want to?” I asked again before planting a kiss on his lips. I’d learned a thing or too since the last time I’d kissed him, I wondered if he could tell the difference. He breathed me in and for a moment we were actually making out. His hands ran along my back down to my waist and I arched beneath them. Then I pulled away turning to the others.
“Are we going to finish the game though?” Tab asked.
“Oh yeah.” Silas answered, casting a glance down at his cards.
“Seriously?” I asked feeling a stab of rejection with a dash of humiliation.
“Nah.” He replied and I could feel his lips on mine again. We were in the kitchen then in the bedroom, I could feel the springs brace under my weight as he tossed me onto the bed. Tab and Aubrey followed into the bedroom. Unsure if they should or if they want to participate. Maybe even waiting for an invitation. We derobed in moments and I could feel his member hard against my stomach, he arched over me, the daunting six foot whatever he was, his thin legs tangling with my own.
My heart didn’t thunder in my chest, I didn’t feel hesitation. I didn’t feel the fear I thought I would. Then he tried to slide inside of me. It didn’t quite work right. I was later told by Aubrey, who was a bit more sober than I was, that Silas- it turned out… had a very crooked dick. And I- I apparently was not turned on because I was not the least bit wet. I knew I wanted to have sex to have had sex. I really wasn’t attracted to him. His kisses weren’t electrifying, they were actually quite boring and I felt his wet lips trail down from my own onto my neck and felt the pinch of teeth as he bit me- way too hard. I yelped in pain and pushed him slightly back, that wasn’t the last of his awful- I mean really awful attempts at a hickey that night. It wasn’t romantic, it really wasn’t hot either. Aubrey was a better kisser than he was. As he attempted to slide into me again- it was more like skidded into me. Like bare skin on a dry slide, getting stuck repeatedly on the way down. We tumbled over each other and contoured ourselves in odd positions until I looked breathlessly to Aubrey who stood against the dresser, having watched everything thus far.
“Are we doing this right?” I stumbled through the sentence, not unlike how we were stumbling through this act. “It um- doesn’t feel- good?” She shrugged.
“Yeah, you’re doing it right.” She got closer and tried to instruct us further until suddenly she wasn’t wearing clothes and was a part of the mix too. She later told me that our issues in bed weren’t just mine, she did not enjoy him attempting to fuck her either.
Aubreys lips on mine did feel like a relief compared to Silas’s but soon I pulled away, slurring my words horribly. Trying to articulate myself terribly.
“Dude- uh- I don’t think I want to go down on you- uh” She patted my shoulders.
“That’s fine, I don’t want to either,” I sighed, relieved.
I soon found myself in the living room with Tab, he however did want to go down on me. And as I lay draped over the couch with all of the lights off, except the light that seep from the bedside lamp in the bedroom, he did. I felt myself choking out the moans I hadn’t before and his hand covered my mouth turning me on even more.
Walking naked through the apartment as I returned to the bedroom once with Silas then with Tab (but not together) we all agreed to never speak of it again.
I went to search for Aubrey and Silas after exiting the bedroom, leaving Tab behind, finding them in the bath tub, the shower head turned on, they passed it back and forth. After Silas got out, I hopped in, giggling with Aubrey for hours to come then begging Silas to turn on some cartoons, his laptop being hooked up to the TV. I felt like I needed something very different to distance myself from the drunk happenings of that night. I slipped into pajamas then I lay on the couch, feeling the pull of sleep. Silas flopped on the couch next to me and began kissing me again, as out of it I was, this infuriated me. I was clearly in the middle of a cartoon. I pretended to be asleep, he continued for a moment before realizing I was asleep. He stayed close, running a finger along the length of my body, hoping I’d wake up. When I couldn’t take it any longer I sat up and stared at him, square jawed.
“What? What do you need? huh?” I demanded. He didn’t reply stunned. He was completely naked. His dick erect. He glanced at it for half a second. “Fine.” I blew him. I used a technique taught to me by a particularly slutty friend of mine. I guess I had become the slutty one at this point. After what felt like hours and trying my best not to gag I gave up. I sat up. “I can’t anymore, I’m done. Go, finish it yourself.”
Once again he was too stunned for words.
“Go!” I pointed a finger at the bathroom. He ran to it, dick cupped in his hands. I returned to my cartoons. “What the fuck?” I asked myself.
Looking back, I don’t exactly regret what happened that night, we fairly successfully avoided talking about it for the majority of the rest of the trip. It did come up a few times accompanied by nervous laughter and once in my own angry voice. I definitely would not do it again, have a foursome, if that’s what you’d call it. At least not with the same people. The aftermath did however consist of Silas vowing to never speak to me again and making a weak attempt at contacting my mother about it, I cannot say he will be missed.